i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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