my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
just a forewarning-if you come home and hang out with your stupid girlfriend the entire time that you are here/fail to get wasted with us i will wish either death upon you or that you truly do turn gay when you return to the navy.
I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
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don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I love you. Go after that dick
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
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