I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Her handjob consisted of slapping me in the balls. I am never hooking up with her ever again ever.
I discovered moonshine and fell in love.
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