goodnight i made you a song goodbye
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
Why did the sexual harassment class show a clip from frozen?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize
