I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
