i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
I was wearing the shirt my little sister got for her birthday when the condom broke. I finally have it back to her and told her it was bad luck
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
