I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Randomize
