I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Randomize
