why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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