Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
He picked me up in the very car he devirginized me in, his moms toyota.
Lube filled water balloons always make for a good time
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
