Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
An d I'd rather cry while putting a waffle in my mouth than cry on my pillow, ya feel me?
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
I shouldn't be drunk at 3 pm but alas, here we are...
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
Randomize
