pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I need to sleep so I can die properly tomorrow.
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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