Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
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