i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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