Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
He was basically a horny puppy - following me around all night and kept sticking his hand down my pants.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Randomize
