i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Grab some lube and condoms and you get a free shirt? College is weird
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Heard I spat fire in your face last night. Wish I could say that I'm sorry
House vote, we're revoking your 151 privileges
I'm sorry.
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
Randomize
