make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
In between rounds of sex, you stopped and did drunken handstand push-ups.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Explain why there's a meatball in my bong
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Randomize
