theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
ugh the "ive seen you naked on the internet" look is really getting tiring
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
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