So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
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whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Gym?
Sweet baby Jebus, no. I'm Motley Crue hungover. This must be how it feels to rail a line of ants.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
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She shoved her hand down my pants and held my cock for thirty minutes in the bar. It was like she was letting all the other females know I was hers.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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