I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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