I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Afterwards he face timed like four of his friends screaming he banged the hot intern.
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
Randomize
