Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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