I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
i fucked a milf yesterday.
i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
Randomize
