no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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