nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..
you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?
Sobriety and mild self-respect
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Did body shots with a guy... Ended up being the ref of my volleyball game... So that's why we won
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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