I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
HE PUT A HOLE. IN. MY. HOUSE!!!
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
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