Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Randomize
