Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
Randomize
