We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
