I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
just used my sex toy cleaning solution to clean my reading glasses. midterms are cramping my styleeee
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
No offense, I mean I'm sure you rocked my world and all but I don't remember.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
