If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
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