maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I have to estimate how long it takes them to get to the bedroom so that I can sneak out of my room and get snacks. If she's anything like me, they're in bed the second he gets here and I can get snacks now
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
