How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Just made a Mimosa with Chardonnay and Emergen-C.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I just ate a raisin that tasted like wine. Is this real life or is this my body trying to tell me it's Friday and I should be drinking right now?
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me