I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
