I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Randomize
