She is in my trunk
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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