I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
