I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
So the stripper who poured a beer on my head also gives great head. Even she doesn't know why she went home with me. No more mystery shot challenges.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I feel awful. The bartender added me on Facebook and there's chips all over the bathroom floor
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
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