i will never coherently bang her
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The last thing I remember is him yelling from across the room "WE FINISHED THE HANDLE!"
It was 11pm.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
