They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I truly just stopped puking in my 730 am calculus class, looked up, corrected my professor, then resumed puking my eyes out. He was both impressed and disgusted.
I found an inside smoking lounge. I'll be here for the next 4 hours. A nice old Canadian lady has befriended me and let me use her lighter. Fuck Hartsfield-Jackson AND this layover. I win.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
I've just been thinking about sangria a lot lately, like an adult.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I look over and the both of you are naked, and he's eating chicken nuggets off the floor
Randomize
