she woke up with a sticky ear
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
I dont think problem is the right word. Problems arent something you enjoy. Life would be too boring without gambling.
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Somehow I became in charge of getting my mother laid? This can't be my life? Lol
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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