I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Eh maybe I should give her a chance. Let's see where making a porno takes the friendship
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
