I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I need to calm my uterus...
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
