both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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