Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Orientation leader success, day 1: incoming freshman just ate out his first sorority girl. I gave him a 7/10.
I find it weird that you'll let me in your vagina, but not your house
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
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