the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
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