Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Sorry, I didn't know he was with you. The ongoing collapse of Trump has me horny as hell.
Randomize
