Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
Its... i dont even know. theres lots of rap music and i cant find my shoes
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
my mom is feeding me weed brownies...god help us
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