I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
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