He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
So I've decided to grow a vagina forest. Because I'm single and it's like a zen garden. Brings a new meaning to long hair don't care.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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