Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
i dont care if i have to wear a pillow case, there will be an open bar at my wedding
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Two words: nipple clamps
Randomize
