I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
you can't tell me not to come to work cause roads are bad then ask me an hour later to come in and expect me to be sober
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
well we started off by chasing vodka with chocolate milk and ended up trying to befriend a crippled raccoon so that should tell you how our night went
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