You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
how much of this shit do i need to take before i think its a good idea to set the house on fire and scream satanic mantras?
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
